How to Pay a Fine

How to Pay a Fine

August 2020

Ever found yourself being fined for speeding, sunbathing during COVID-19 lockdown or simply walking your dog as you pay respects to a deceased loved one in a graveyard? Yes, fined £100 for taking your dog into a graveyard:

Lowest of the low enforcement officers Grimsby cemetery, SensorTube, 18th of September 2019.

Here's What to Do

Let's assume the cost of the fine is £100.

Pay the fine.

Now double the cost of the fine, in this case to £200.

Your mission is now to get back £200 off the State. If you achieve your mission then you are £100 better off and the State is £100 worse off. This way, you always win and UKGov always loses. If everyone applied this simple rule then UKGov would seriously think twice about administering unjust fines.

I am not going to suggest any illegal activities to regain the £200 but here's what I do.

A litre of petrol/diesel consists of 57.95p duty and is also subjected to 20% VAT. So, for every £1.20 litre of petrol UKGov earns 57.95p+20p = 77.95p. With 4.54 litres per imperial gallon then UKGov makes £3.54 for a gallon that costs you £5.45. That's right, 65% of a gallon of petrol is tax.

Let's say your car holds 10 gallons and does 36 mpg for inner city traffic. That's a total duty and VAT cost of £35.40 for 360 miles. Your mission, should you choose to accept it - is to ditch using your car for 360 miles and bleed the government of £35.40.

You may think this is all a bit daft, but this is what I do each and every time I am fined - I kid you not. I have always won and the government has lost every time. Instead of using the car I will walk and use my bicycle instead. If I was planning to go out at the weekend, I won't go. I keep a tally of the miles and stop this bullshit when I've reached my target. Remember - it's a mission!

Now, £200 - 35.40 = £164.60 to go.

Thinking of popping along to your favourite restaurant at the weekend and burning £60, 20% (£10) of which would be VAT. Stay in.

£164.60 - 10 = £154.60 to go.

I'm partial to a bottle of whiskey and a 1 litre bottle will set you back £28.74 in duty. It usually takes me a month to work my way through a bottle and so that has to go for a month. I view it that the drying out will do me good!

£154.60 - 28.74 =£125.86 to go.

I'm also partial to a glass of red wine with my evening meal. I'll just rough it for a month at a rate of around 2 bottles/week or 8 per month. At £2.98 duty per litre or £2.09 for a standard 70cl bottle then we have for 8 bottles a total tax of 8 x £2.09 = £16.72.

£125.86 - 16.72 = £109.14 to go.

You don't pay VAT on most food stuffs, especially basic ingredients such as bread, salad, fruit and cheese. But you do pay VAT on foods such as ready-made sandwiches. It's the same when buying cups of coffee from cafes. You don't pay VAT on teas, coffee, milk, hot chocolate, etc but you do pay VAT on soft drinks. Thus, by being careful what you buy you can avoid the VAT and stuff UKGov. Let's say over a month I cut out the purchased sandwiches and make my own and skip the soft drinks and save £10 in VAT.

£109.14 - 10 = £99.14 to go.

It's been tough but made the half-way mark. Don't give up now!

Amazingly, although you would be arrested for walking through a city centre bollock naked, and therefore have no option but to purchase and wear clothing, VAT is added to clothing unless children's clothes. I'll do without for a month and not buy myself any new items of clothing and stuff the government another £10 in VAT. I'll also not purchase any DVDs or other consumables that are subject to VAT and assume another £10 saving.

£99.14 - 20 = £79.14 to go.

That's enough focus on VAT. We need something a bit more meaty. This will vary from person to person but in my case it happens to be motorbikes. I'm a keen biker and if fined then I make it back and penalise UKGov via one or more of my bikes. I will literally not ride one of my bikes and let the MOT, Road Tax and Insurance expire. And then there's all of the consumables, spares, new tyres etc but I won't go into that. BTW - many bikers simply didn't bother with their bikes in the non-year of 2020 following UKGov's lockdown bullshit - they must have lost £billions from bikers - good. To MOT a bike costs £29.65. The Road Tax for any bike over 600cc is £93 for the year. When insuring a vehicle UKGov applies the Insurance Premium Tax which is set at 12%, and let's say it comes to £12 for a £100 policy. That's a total stuffing to UK government of £29.65 + £93 + £12 = £134.65.

£79.14 - 134.65 = -55.51

No sweat :-)

Thank you UKGov, and fuck you.


The above isn't for everyone, but probably for true nutters like myself and real warriors. However, it's what each and everyone of us should do to fight back against an unfair system. Even if you are not prepared to really cut back to do UKGov out of tax, then it is nevertheless worth thinking about tax and predominantly VAT as you can save yourself a few pounds here and there.

One final comment. A £100 fine is 100 £1 pound coins. But goodwill is priceless. One of the big problems that UKGov has on its hands is the loss of goodwill from decent law-abiding and honest citizens, but it is too thick to see this. And you know what they say about goodwill: it's like the hot air inside a balloon - no one knows exactly how it works but you sure do miss it when it's gone.

Other Ways

News cars are subject to VAT. Don't buy one and instead buy a used one that is less than a year old. For a £10,000 new car, £1,667 of the bill is VAT - fuck that! I've never bought a new car or motorbike in my entire life and believe that only mugs do so. With UKGov burning £billions each year on housing 155,000+ "asylum-seekers" in private housing and housing thousands in hotels, they can go to hell.

Dodge the VAT. Many food items are not subject to VAT but some are. A related example is bird food, which is not subject to VAT if it consists of bags over 12.5kg in weight, whereas lesser weights are subject to VAT. So - buy in bulk to screw UKGov.

Amazon UK charges 20% VAT on items. Fuck that - buy it off eBay.

I don't smoke unless I'm on fire, but duty on cigarettes is unreal. The duty is £237.34 per 1,000 cigarettes, 16.5% of the retail price and another 28p per 20 cigarettes for good measure. Assume a pack of ciggies costs £11 for 20, the tax sums to £237.34/50 + 11*(16.5/100) + £0.28 = £6.85. BTW - the easiest way to quit smoking is to place a £10 note in a piggy bank each day - it doesn't take long to see the financial benefits.

Duty on booze is equally offensive. Beer [£19.08 per hectolitre (100 litres)], Spirits [£28.74 per litre] and a standard Red Wine of weight between 5.5%-15% [£297.57 hectolitre (100 litres)] .

Sad to say, but ditch the charity subscription - if you have one.